Thursday, September 27, 2018

A City of Clerics

Otherwise known as the City of Morons.

Only being half-serious here. Title's a reference to Wizard City. Also to my last post On Clerics.


The City of Clerics is a sister to Wizard City. It's the same city in a parallel dimension: same layout, people, same stupid shit. The only difference is that they're Clerics, not Wizards.

This changes everything.

There are no layfolk in Cleric City, only clerics. Nobody except each other to act as an intermediary to. Ten thousand clerics, each an expert in their own idiosyncratic knowledge, each unique, each completely useless on their own.

They all depend on each other like individual computer programs coordinating in the mind of an artificial intelligence (and maybe they are). Nobody's self-sufficient, nobody knows how anything works. Forced cooperation or death by ignorance.

For instance, there is a Cleric of the Stove. Only he knows how stoves work. Nobody else in the entire city does. The stove is too complicated. He prays to the Stove God, performs the stove rituals to work the stove, and lo, the Stove God bequeaths its blessings of heat and cooked bacon.

There is a Cleric of Taxes. Taxes, being the most byzantine and incomprehensible of systems, can be done only by the Tax Cleric. Animals must be sacrificed, rituals must be made, the Tax Gods must be worshiped.

A Cleric of Where The Garbage Goes.
A Cleric of Selling Beets
A Cleric of Having Awkward Conversations With Your Roommate About The Rent. 
A Cleric of Laundry
A Cleric of Murder
A Cleric of Religion

Sometimes a Cleric has more than one specialty.

This can be convenient, say, with the Cleric of Juggling Flaming Chainsaws and Bandaging Yourself While Applying Cold-packs.

It can be awkward, such as with the Cleric of Depressing Funerals and Lively Tuba Music.

It can be bizarre, like the Cleric of Spoons and Picking The Lint Out of Your Belly Button.

Lo! A Priest Over Yonder! 
They Must Be The Cleric Of...

1. Cheese
2. Making the Coffee
3. Baking*
4. The Lift
5. The Plumbing and The Cafeteria
6. Making Beds
7. Disappearing the Dust
8. The Printing Press
9. The Mail
10. Vacating the Garbage
11. Coupons
12. Knots
13. Long Division
14. Chemistry
15. Map Reading
16. Glassblowing
17. Getting Dressed In The Morning
18. Talking to Jerks
19. Touching Your Elbow To Your Chin
20. French
21. Taxes
22. Horseshoes
23. Eeeeeeeeeevil!
24. Judging Dance
25. Windmills
26. Graceful Small Talk
27. Proper Fitness
28. Very Tall Hats
29. Symmetry
30. Scheduling
31. Pet Recommendations
32. Procuring Meat
33. The Secret of Combustion
34. Curse Words
35. Boiling Water
36. Proper Grooming
37. Finding Your Keys
38. The Funky Beat
39. Politics
40. Swords
41. Popularity
42. Euchre
43. Kung Fu
44. Classy Cocktail Parties
45. Whale Whispering
46. Haircuts
47. Zoning Permits
48. The Time and Date
49. Littering
50. Naps
51. Firearms
52. Sharpening Stuff (Mostly Knives)
53. Fine Print
54. Walking and Muttering
55. Shady Deals
56. Copying
57. Souffle
58. Cabbages
59. Money Changing
60. Interpretive Sneezing
61. Jazz Hands
62. Parrot Breeding
63. Quilts
64. The Bloody Mary (the drink)
65. Musicals
66. Management
67. Groceries
68. All the Mushrooms
69. 69
70. Rock Soup
71. Calligraphy
72. Necromancy
73. Toast
74. Taxidermy
75. Children's Parables
76. Talking to Relatives At Family Gatherings
77. Tolls
78. The Criminal Court
79. Fermentation
80. Meteorites
81. Plastics
82. Pickpocketing
83. Balance
84. The Plague
85. Sword Fighting
86. Suing
87. Birds
88. Bees
89. Birds and Bees
90. Lanterns
91. Young Boys
92. Butanol
93. Clocks
94. Student Loans
95. Chromatography
96. Talking About Sports
97. Condoms
98. Whales
99. Flour
100. Itinerary Programs

*I know the first three are food related... I'm hungry while writing this.

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