Tuesday, July 24, 2018




Man, this list was hard to finish. It's hard to think of alarms that aren't just some variation of "make noise". Plenty of these have overlap with the Traps category.

Alarms are designed to alert guards/owners/captive monsters under certain trigger conditions.
  1. Screaming Mouth - Classic Magic Mouth alarm. Screams very very loud in caster’s voice. This version has noted effect of spreading to any surface that touches it (i.e. hands, clothes, the back of Frank’s head).
  2. Dangerous Potions All Over The God-Damned Place - With just about every loud, maiming, hazardous spell imaginable. Kept in fragile glass containers, each placed precariously for maximum potential energy. One breaking will no doubt set off a chain reaction.
  3. Tortured Goblin - Every wizard it has ever seen has done something horrible to it, so of course it’ll scream and kick and wail every time it sees one.
  4. Animated Symphony Orchestra - Yes, an entire orchestra. The whole thing. Every single instrument, from the grand piano down to the smallest piccolo will follow intruders around, blasting some boisterous symphony. The Wind Section is particularly aggressive.
  5. Scry Pox - Boils break out over intruder’s body, eventually bursting into small eyes. Owner of spell may look through them.
  6. Mark of Ignominy - A Sigil of Ignominy burns into the forehead. Everyone the victims meet will hate and shame them instantly. Strangers will throw rotting vegetables, rough wizards will accost them in the streets, guards will assault then arrest them.
  7. Giant Head Projection - Owner’s head visually projected, Wizard of Oz style, right where the alarm sounded, in whatever state they happen to be in. Sight is fuzzy, and the projection magnifies every little noise.
  8. Omni-Klaxon - It’s a klaxon system, but literally everyone in the city can hear it. Police, wizards, stray shoggoths, and just about every living thing with ears will be disturbed. Quite illegal, trivial to triangulate. Very likely that the entire building will soon be demolished by a grumpy wizard mob unconcerned with its current occupants.
  9. It’s Raining Men - Men of ages 21-96 periodically fall from seemingly out of nowhere. Half the time they die on impact. Nobody ever has any idea where they come from. Men likely to be hopelessly confused at their predicament, and will probably latch onto the first person they see.
  10. The Spanish Inquisition - You know exactly how this works. Turns out it’s an excellent delaying tactic.
  11. A Sudden Economic Recession - Alarm sets off a secret mystical chain of events leading to a “Momentary Catastrophic Economic Recession”. Stockwizards all over the city will start jumping to their deaths, surely alarming anyone by a window or rooftop.
  12. Psychic Linking - Everyone in the building becomes emotionally and empathically linked. Lasts 24 Hours. Owners/Guards become instantly aware of intruders, and vice-versa.
  13. Building Grows Giant Legs - And then lifts itself off the foundation. Entire building begins running down the block in search of the nearest help. Shakes up the building like a birthday present for a toddler.
  14. The Boogie Machine - Lights dim, music plays, disco balls drop from the ceiling, and everyone in the vicinity cannot do anything if they’re not dancing while doing it.
  15. Flies in Your Eyes - Illusory flies start appearing in the visions of intruders. Impossible to swat, impossible to avoid, incredibly distracting. Accompanied by loud buzzing sound.
  16. Open Bounty - Alarm triggers instant bounty, five pounds of unicorn flesh per head, on any and all unlawful intruders. Announces this loudy on street and triggers Sending to the fiercest bounty hunters around.
  17. Past Assassin - Message sent to past detailing current intruders to an assassin, who will then try and cut them off and change past events so that intrusion does not occur.
  18. Triple Point Weather Machine - Conjures up a storm of snow, steam, and rain. Dense storm clouds form above building and lightning strikes hazard every edifice.
  19. Faces All Over - Alarm-triggerer’s face magically appear on anything that normally has faces: coins, paintings, door knockers, ceremonial vases, cats. Other wizards may or may not be exempt. Effect lasts for a week.
  20. The Laugh Track - All actions hereby done within the complex now have a disembodied laugh track in accompaniment. All nearby can hear the delirious studio audience.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

20 Traps for Wizards and Assholes


Nothing going on here! (Source)

Traps are designed to hinder, incapacitate, or wound intruders and thieves.

  1. Xeno Hallway - Person moves half the speed they did last round, every round. If not sprinting at the start they’ll effectively be stuck.
  2. Time-Delay Exploding Snake-in-a-Can - A few handfulls of spring-loaded snakes pop out with a limp horn sound and a bunch of confetti. Time-delayed explosive packed with ball bearings set within each one to detonate 2-3 Rounds later (around the time someone would pick them up). If on ground reaps ankles. If in hand definitely takes off hand and may be lethal.
  3. Turn Rune - Trigger-activated rune prevents all affected from turning left or right on their own accord. Visual or area activation common. Typically last a day.
  4. Rapid Parasitic Bamboo Darts - Parasitic bamboo is injected via dart, saps nutrients and energy from host, grows at 2 inches/minute. Very awkward to try and run or squeeze with a foot of bamboo jutting out of your knee sideways.
  5. Acceleration Rune - Target starts accelerating at rate of 5ft/round(squared). No effective upper speed limit. Distance required to turn 90 degrees also increases at 5ft/round (starting at 0ft). Unless eventually dispelled, your pieces will almost certainly end up ricocheting into space.
  6. The Classic Zombie Ejection - Used in high traffic dungeons. Anyone who dies nearby gets teleported here, zombified, and then ejected like a floppy pool noodle when the lock is opened. The more impossibly compact the container the better! Think clown car, but it’s your friends and they want to eat your brains.
  7. The Floor is Lava! - Troll Defense Contractors (TDC) are not responsible for any damages or architectural insecurities exposed by use of this product.
  8. False Room - Strangely insecure ajar door/window leads to unnotable or empty room. Passing through threshold triggers conjured walls around all sides, trapping occupant. One-way viewing wall allows owner to view trapped intruder.
  9. Neverending Pit Trap - The classic 10ft pit trap! With false bottom into another pit trap. Followed by another. And another. Repeat forever. False bottom typically survives initial fall impact, but not subsequent movement.
  10. Bound Forgetfulness Elemental - This little guy causes people to forget stuff when they look at it, including the Forgetfulness Elemental. Lives in a conspicuous container, like a treasure chest, transport crate, or a top hat. Generally works down a hierarchy of memories, starting with: prepared spells, recently introduced names, family birthdays.
  11. Wizardnip Sprayer - Yep, it’s catnip, but for wizards. Hidden tube sprays high-inducing liquid (only effective on wizards). Aside from getting really really high, it’ll also attract every wizard in 50 meters to seek you out and rub themselves all over you like some giant disgusting cat. On the positive side, they’ll probably be friendly, and definitely won’t want to cannibalize your flesh!
  12. Dobo Gas - Portmanteau of “Directionless-Hobo”. Clear odorless gas wipes victim’s memory of all local space configurations. Characters can no longer have reference to where familiar places are, even if they’re looking directly at a map. Better ask directions! Lasts 2 Days. If the players have maps, take ‘em.
  13. Radioactive Loot - Hope you enjoy having cancer, thief! Whatever is worth stealing is radioactive. Direct prolonged contact is sure to produce dire health effects.
  14. Memetic Text - Words that, when mentally recognized, causes the reader to undertake the described action. Highly illegal. Very expensive. Subject to sabotage (by changing the text). Popular ones include “Punch Your Balls”, “Eat Your Feet”, or “Aardvark”. Reactions varied to unclear orders.
  15. Binding Rune - Holds exactly one person that steps into it. Person inside cannot escape of their own volition under any circumstance, except for another person entering the circle. Preserves metabolic functions.
  16. Fireplace of Doom! - Big scary demonface fireplace spawns grasping sootfire tentacles and floods the building with smoke in the event of the alarm triggering. Sootfire burns and drags foes back into the Fireplace to cremate.
  17. Portal to the Plane of Distraction - It leaks distractions and red herrings like a flood drain in a storm. Constantly tosses irrelevant, unimportant, and shiny things at the players, such as: ominous golden trinkets, adorable puppies, and tantalizing floating disembodied butts.
  18. Unicorn Spirit Trapped In Sneaky Rake - Ahhhh, the elusive unicorn-trapped-in-rake! How majestic it appears, with great velocity, careening towards your face! It will appear around the estate, inconveniently materializing beneath trespassers’ feet, then galloping off. Won’t hurt virgins.
  19. A Very Seductive Lamp - Charms all who see it. Typically leads to multiple wizards fighting over the sexy lamp. Those holding the lamp close to their chest may act as normal.
  20. Carnivore Spellbook - Nothing so tempting as an open spellbook! Will leap up and snap shut with hidden teeth at anything that gets near it, particularly faces