Rumors About The Supermarket

I get an existential dread when I enter the supermarket. 

Today I learned I wasn't the only one.

I believe there is a werewolf at the supermarket. At night a man disappears somewhere at the back of the store: between the home improvement section and the place where you see pet fish. He hunts and stalks by the shoes, listening for when the boxes open and the laces are untied - when one is most vulnerable.

I believe there's something odd about the greeting card section. The manager says nobody on shift has updated its stock in seventeen years, and yet its cards are always new. She doesn't question it, and neither should you.

I believe the two butchers on staff might be aliens. Extraterrestrial aliens. They have eyes behind their eyes, and they're always talking about sitcoms and sports teams that don't exist - The Denver Superintendents, the Knoxville Salt Slugs, the Detroit Lions. I think they're here to spy on us. They keep asking if there's anything I want. I always say no.

I believe there's a ghost at the supermarket. It lingers in that place where you recycle your bottles and cans. When you're alone, you can still hear the sounds of distant crushing and clinking long after the cans and bottles have been processed. The ghost is a petty judge. It despises foreign entities. A xenophobic ghost, that also hates ginger beer.

I believe there is a poltergeist. Sometimes it throws items off of the shelves or undoes screws letting whole stocks collapse. When one reaches for the freshest milk at 3am you'll feel its cold grasp, and raspy whispers that the ones at the front are still fresh. Ignore the Best Use By date.

I believe the supermarket is infested with gremlins. Someone keeps finding the discarded wrappers of Little Debbie swiss rolls and chocolate cupcakes stashed in high and low places - under shelves, tucked behind the store logos, inside the middle stacked shopping cart. They leave the Nutty Buddies alone. Gremlins allergic to peanuts?

I believe shopping carts are the spirits of the dead. Soothed by the Orphean sounds of uncontroversial 90's music, by their orderly processions to and from the parking lot. They are kept clean and attended, and they help those who come. It's far more personal than a graveyard. People used to go to graveyards, but not anymore. Sometimes, a spirit will attempt to escape. You'll find them, lost and alone, unable to move on their own accord, on some walk by side of road. Nobody wants to help them.

I believe there are more store brands by the day. Store-brand pickles, store-brand broth. Store-brand bread and store-brand shoes. Store-brand "Caution: Floor Wet" cones and store-brand floor tiles. I think I met a store-brand person yesterday. Not an employee - what I initially thought was a shopper, with a store's logo shirt and a barcode tattooed on their forehead. They asked me whether I was able to find everything I needed. I uncomfortably replied: "Yes", and quickly moved on.

I believe I've seen several greeters at the doors. Different people, same nametag. Do they really just have one to share among them all? I might've thought so, until I asked one about a question and he responded like the woman I saw at the door last week.

I believe the supermarket has long-armed men working the stockrooms. The shelves are made in ways that no normally-proportionally person could reach, even with use of a stepladder. I've seen drag marks on mopped floors of wide boots flanked by trailing knuckles. In the dairy section the shelves go too far back. I'm 6'2'' and still couldn't reach the sour cream.

I believe there's a snake that lives in the supermarket. A big one. I've only ever seen its rattling tail, trailing around the corner of the aisles. It must be as big as a full grown man, from the size of that tail. Maybe bigger. I think it must live underneath the freezers, maybe, where it's warm and dark. Or maybe in the shelves between the aisles for mac & cheese and barbeque sauce.

Porcelain Boy

Porcelain Boy is a backup character I never played for an Esoteric Enterprises campaign. The idea still fascinates me.

I was rolling up a Spook. What would become poor Porcelain Boy rolled a '1' for HP. It was decided then that his skin and flesh were made of glass, for even the slightest bits of force would destroy him. The choice to play such a fragile character - one who cannot sustain any amount of danger or violence but who chose to adventure anyway - remains intriguing. Perhaps Porcelain Boy will survive to become strong and cruel, or perhaps he will tragically perish at the height of his naivety.

Source

Porcelain Boy - Spook

S 13 D 10 C 10 I 11 W 9 Ch 10

HP: 1

Power: Removable Limbs

Items: Helmet, Heavy Boots, Heavy Gloves, Flashlight, Mirror

(The clothes are made of glass, like him. Part of a set: 1) Firefighter 2) Soldier 3) Yodeler)

Strong like a tensile glass. Skin perfectly smooth. Under the joints he's connected with steel wire and spring. When he stretches you can hear the plates of porcelain clack against each other and the springs yawning. The appearance otherwise is of a full-sized boy on the cusp of puberty, 12 years old.

There is great detail in his face, so laboriously crafted. There is perfection in the imperfections - the composition of freckles, the subtle creases, the eyelashes, the eyes. Perhaps he was modelled after some real boy somewhere, now lost to obscurity.

What is his quest? Why does he delve into the dangerous unknown at such great risk?

1. He is running and hiding from a witch, hoping the danger will deter her from following. She kept him as a pretty thing in a glass cabinet next to the other dishes, and he could stand containment no more.
2. He wants to discover magic, believing it might mend his inevitably fragmenting body.
3. He wants to become a real boy. An 'old wise man' once told him that he'd find this secret at the center of the earth.
4. He has heard that there are others like him, somewhere down below. He believes this to be his long lost family, and dreams naïve fantasies about them.
5. He seeks The Wizard of Oz to grant him a real heart like the Tin Man. All movies are real, but he has only seen the one.
6. He seeks Humpty Dumpty, who surely must be his brother. Anything is real that rhymes.
7. He knows that there is a real boy out there who he is modelled from. He seeks his so-called twin brother, but does not know that he's now aged into his 40's.
8. He seeks the man to made him - Higashi Shiro. But why would his creator go Underground?
9. He must know whether or not he has a soul. Only the Lady of the Deep Lake could answer this question.
10. He loves his companions, and wants to protect them from all danger. He will foolishly throw himself between them and the hazards of the Underground, believing himself a hero.

Esoteric Enterprises - Car as Class

Welcome to the Esoteric Enterprises bandwagon!

Dan made a good point on Twitter the other day - In modern-style games, it shall be a given that somebody has access to a car for the benefit of the party. The Car is now a given.

But I ask you to consider taking this one step further! Ask yourself: Do I simply want a machine that spirits me and my weirdo friends from A to B? Or do I require a portable reliquary to provide worship to Ithaqua... with the best climate control an Old One can provide!

Consider: The Car as a public party member. Like a two tonne steel pet. With leather seats.

Roll up Stats for The Car.

3d6 in order, no rearrangement.

Though blessed we are with our bodies and minds to decide 

for ourselves a profession befitting our talents,

our Cars receive no such grace.

STRENGTH = HORSEPOWER

How strong your engine?!

Use Strength when:

• towing
• traveling through heavy mud 
• ramming another fucking car
• ramming the men in black
• ramming big heavy monsters
• calculating carry weight

Obviously, Cars are way stronger than people. You only need to do a Strength check for a Car when it's questionable whether a car could push or pull it.

DEXTERITY = HANDLING

How precise this thing handle?!

Use Dexterity when:

• Driving checks
• hitting pedestrians

Represents a bonus or penalty to Driving checks. If your Car is haunted or otherwise self-driving, then this is how well it drives itself.

CONSTITUTION = DURABILITY

How long it last?!

Use Constitution when:

• driving long distances
• driving in choking conditions (excessive cold/heat, low oxygen, etc.)
• getting the most of that last scrap of fuel
• Car diseases and poisons (water in the gas tank, supernatural rust, thermite burns through the hull.)

Represents how robust the entire apparatus is when you're definitely violating the warranty.

INTELLIGENCE = FEATURES

Does it have radio?! Air conditioning?! Leather seats?! 

Air bags?! Consecrated Altars to the Drowned One?!

Use Intelligence when:

• determining how many starting Features The Car has.
• determining the maximum number of Features

Starting Features are 5 + INT Mod.

Features follow Encumbrance rules, except it represents running out of space instead of ambulatory power.

WISDOM = MILEAGE / FAITH

Have all the kinks and quirks been worked out?!

Use Wisdom when:

• praying to the Car gods
• starting your car in a hurry
• fixing your car
• Saves

Add your Car's Wisdom Mod to all of its Saves.

Source

CHARISMA = BEAUTY

How alluring is this Car?!

Use Charisma when:

• impressing dudes with your Car, 
• impressing ladies with your Car, 
• impressing business associates and coworkers with your Car. 
• Intimidating fairies.

When you go: "Damn, that's a nice car!" It's got a good Charisma.

Grit = Size

How big, and therefore how prone to merely superficial damage your Car is. 

When it comes to Newtonian crashing, size and mass matter first.

Flesh = Body

How resilient your Car is in a Crash.

How much gives before its occupants start taking damage.

WHAT'S THE PARTY'S CAR?

d8	Grit / Flesh / Saves As	Car Class	Seats	Effects
1	Bodyguard	Pickup	2 + 8 Seats	+1 STR, Trailer Bed.
2	Criminal	Sedan	5 Seats	+1 DEX
3	Doctor	Mini Van	7 Seats	+1 INT
4	Explorer	Sports Utility Vehicle	5 Seats	-1 DEX (You have nice Saves)
5	Mercenary	Humvee	4 + 1 Seats	+2 STR, Max Speed 75% of normal.
6	Mystic	Sports Car	4 Seats	+1 DEX, +1 CHA, Costs Double
7	Occultist	Van	8 + 3 Seats	+3 Size, -2 CHA, 1 Weird Feature
8	Spook	Truck Tractor	2 + ??? Seats	-3 DEX, +4 Size. Special Feature

d12	Manufacturer	Reputation	Effects
1	Akira	Excellent psychic projection and feng shui.  Bad handling.	Psychic abilities operate at +2 Bonus when in the car. -1 DEX
2	Abraham	Real classic look.  Feels like it was made for minimalist giants.	+1 CON, -1 INT
3	Borsche	Cheap Eastern Bloc Crap. The seats always smell like beets. Hasn’t changed a single thing in fifty years.	+1 WIS, -1 DEX
4	Bent	Body warps with time. Often in unexpected ways.	-1 WIS, +1d4 damage absorbed during Crashes.
5	Brick	Tough as nails. Ugly though.	+1 CON, -1 CHA
6	Fjord	Cheap crap mass produced. Dirt is more expensive than the parts, though.	Initial cost and repairs are halved. -1 to all stats.
7	Fonda	The standard brand of soccer moms.	None
8	General Goat	“Greatest of All Time my ass!”	+1 STR, -2 WIS
9	Millipede	Designed for towing. Only runs on diesel.	+1 STR, Fuel costs +50%
10	Moon Rover	Great suspension. Poor handling.	+1 CON, -1 DEX
11	Panther	A luxury brand for huge douchebags. Notorious for getting stolen.	+1 DEX, +1 CHA, 5% Chance during or after any adventure that it gets jacked.
12	Venus	You see a lot of these in remote places.	-1 STR, Charm checks made at +2 while inside.

Truck Tractor Special Features

Ambulance - Useful medical equipment and EMTs not included.
Bus - Tons and tons of uncomfortable seats.

Camper - Contains several camping amenities: cots, toilet, water container.

Cement Mixer - When you need to hide the bodies quickly.

Food Truck - Able to prepare food inside. Contains working propane-powered gas stove, refrigerator and freezer.

Garbage Truck - Got the cruncher and everything.

Semi Trailer - A whole lot of mobile storage room. Takes up a lot of space though.

Tank Truck - For carrying huge volumes of liquid.

Tractor - Tons of Strength. Low max speed.

Car Features

Features	Effect	Rare/Light?
Air Bags	Prevents 1d6 damage in case of a Crash.
Air Conditioning	Provides heat removal in your car.
Alarm	If broken into the alarm will go off.	Light
Anti-lock Braking System	Driving checks involving braking at +1.	Light
Child Locks	Driver can prevent passenger doors from opening.
Dash Cam	Records a view of the dash while driving. Functionally CCTV.
Divider	Separates the Driver and Passenger Front from the Passenger Rear. Window optional.
Fare Meter	Tracks how far you’ve gone and how much it’ll cost.
Flood Lights	Provides great amounts of illumination to the car’s front.
Four Wheel Drive	Driving checks involving difficult terrain at +1.	Light
GPS / Navigation	Gives moderately accurate readout of global position. Can provide directions to known places.
Heating System	Provides heat in your car.
Hydraulic Jack	For lifting up your car. Essentially required for certain repairs and tires changes in the field.
Leather Seats	+1 to CHA mod	Light
Motion Sensors	Detects things approaching from the front and rear with a beeping sound.	Light
Radio	Put on some tunes. Listen to news.
Radio (Police)	Listen to police radio.	Rare
Seat Belts	Prevents 2d6 damage in case of a Crash.	Light
Siren	Makes a really loud noise. Usually causes other cars to get out of your way.
Spare Tire	Replacement tire.
Sunroof	Great for 360-degree driving and gunning.	Light
Trailer Winch	Towing checks made at +1. Failures will not produced disasters.
Toll Tag	Allows one to skip toll booths without being ticketed	Light
Vehicle Insurance	Crappy insurance. At least you won’t get fined for not having it. Covers 20% of repair expenses. Once.	Light
Vehicle Insurance (Actually Decent)	Decent insurance. Covers 80% of repair expenses.	Light
Voice Activation	Can activate cars other mundane features with voice command.	Light
Warranty	Natural car problems will be fixed by the Dealer. Obviously does not cover bullet wounds.	Light

Weird Car Features

Weird Features	Effect	Rare/Light?
Altar	You may perform sacraments to your gods. Takes up 2 Seats.	Rare
Armor	All occupants in car get AC as Bulletproof Vest against ballistic attacks.	Rare
Armor (Heavy)	All occupants in car get AC as Riot Gear against ballistic attacks.	Rare
Assassination Module	Executes anyone sitting in the back seats. Button-activated. Common methods include: hidden gun, spring-loaded wooden stakes, crushing trap.	Rare
Cage	For creeps and serial killers.
Decontamination	Baths the interior with several forms of radiation to eliminate microscopic biologicals.	Rare
Ejection Seat	Launches the Driver up into the air while deploying parachutes. For quick escapes.	Rare
Gas Chamber	Fills the car with chosen compressed gas. Typically used with a Divider to only affect back seat.	Rare
Hood Ornament	Used to ward the Car against supernatural interference. Functions as a Holy Symbol.
Magic Circle	As per the Spell. Keeps in or out particular kinds of supernatural outsiders. Formed of steel in the car’s frame.	Rare
Mortar	When you need to shoot n’ scoot. Requires special and very expensive rare ammunition.	Rare
Mounted Machine Gun	.50 Caliber Machine Gun on a swivel. Capable of some serious mobile damage. Requires special rare ammunition.	Rare
Radio (Supernatural)	Converts supernatural and/or magical radiation into noise that plays through the speakers. Can pick up ghost chatter.	Rare
Self-Driving Module	This car can drive itself. A spirit has been bound to the vehicle. Highly imperfect, particularly regarding pedestrians.	Rare
Shrine	You can efficiently pray to your horrible gods. Takes up 1 Seat.
Ultraviolet Headlights	Burns Vampies. Lightly sterilizes area with prolonged exposure.	Rare

CRASHING

During a Crash, all occupants of the involved vehicles take damage only after a Car’s Size and Body Hit Points have been depleted first. The total damage of a Crash accords to the total net speed of the incident, following any rules for Fall Damage you’ve got. Every 10 mph = 10 feet of fall damage. (And we’re using MPH, ‘cause THIS IS AMERICA.)

If I were you, I’d do very rough calculations for the speed at impact. Don’t break out the vector trigonometry unless you really get off on impressing your party with MATH.

Examples:

The Car slams into a brick wall at 70mph. It comes to a complete stop. This causes 7d6 damage during the Crash. The present vehicle has 4 Size and 3 Body. Everyone has Seatbelts and Airbags (reducing personal damage by 3d6). The Crash causes 25 damage. The Vehicle is totaled (losing all of its Size and Body). Everyone in the vehicle takes 18 damage, reducing their personal damage by 3d6. Lucky Billy only takes 6 damage, and survives. Unlucky Theodore takes 13 damage, and bites the dust.

The Car slams into another Car in a head-on collision. Both were going 20mph in opposite directions. We add their total speeds to produce 40mph (4d6) of damage for both cars. One is a microcar with 1 Size and 2 Body. One is a city Buss with 8 Size and 4 Body. Nobody has seat belts or airbags. The microcar takes 8 damage, while the bus takes 12. Everyone in the microcar takes 5 damage, while everyone in the bus takes no damage. Both cars are totaled.