Staff of the Familiar

 A wizard staff, with the personality of a phlegmatic semi-psychotic gerbil. It has an equal chance upon affectionate petting to gently purr or hiss and try to bite. You must feed it three big drops of your blood daily or it gets cranky and will only hiss at you instead of casting spells. Assuming its good mood, 1/Day it can cast each of the following.

Swallowsack

R: Touch    D: Until Recast

Your familiar eats an object no larger than a balled fist, keeping it slightly slimy and protected in an extradimensional pocket. You may recast this in the future for your familiar to hack and cough it up like a hairball. If your familiar is banished or killed, it unceremoniously spits it up.

Doppel

R: Touch   D: 1 Day

Your familiar takes on your appearance. It cannot speak except in ways it could before transformation. It is somewhat awkward in its movements, behaving in ways that your familiar did. It retains its stats.

Miserable Little Guy

R: Self    D: 10 Minutes

You summon a horrible little slimy gremlin whose entire existence is agony and it wants to die immediately. It cannot kill itself. It innately knows with cosmic certainty the quickest way for it to die, and will immediately seek this method, slug-squelching at about 5 feet per Minute (50ft over the duration) once released from your hand. It has the approximate air handling of a deflated football, and won't die if tossed unless tossed hard.

Meat Men

R: Touch   D: Varies

It takes 10 Minutes per HD and makes 1 Meat Man per HD. These little meat men will obey your commands and are loyal to you, but they're about as smart as meat can be (not very smart in most circumstances). They rot away into obsolescence in about a week, faster or slower from 1 Day to 1 Month depending on the temperature, any preservation, and concentration of carrion in the surroundings. Each Meat Man looks like a gingerbread man made of meat, has the strength of a very small child, and is reasonably un-dexterous in the way a two-year old would be.

Secret: Meat men made purely of brains inherit half the intelligence level of the creature they were made of.

Thirty Cats

R: 30ft    D: Permanent

You summon thirty cats, either centered around you or roughly in a circular area in front of you. You do not control them. They behave as normal cats would given the situation. Have fun! If you intend to eat them, you will find them unnourishing with regard to thirst and hunger, as all summoned creatures are.

There is a roughly 1 in 100 chance per cat of a SPECIAL CAT appearing. This binomial distribution results in roughly a 1 in 4 chance of special cat, followed by an additional 1 in 6 chance of two specials, additional 1 in 8 of spawning three, and additional 1 in 10 of spawning four. (Treat the dice like exploding, except the die number goes up each time.)

SPECIAL CATS

1. Spark Cat - As Lightning Bolt, but randomly targeted. After the flash, you'll have a little fuzzy face imprinted blotched red on your vision.
2. Not-A-Cat - It's a doppelganger pretending to be a cat. Can stretch like melted cheese if it wants. It likes to follow peoples around, and other cats are very afraid of it.
3. Cat-Cat - Like a cat, but more cat. Long legs, longer teeth, longer whiskers, longer tail. More affectionate, more territorial, and more fickle.
4. Tiger. A normal tiger. It's not happy.
5. Black Black Cat - An umbracat cat. Seamlessly melds with shadows. Quite shy.
6. Mat Cat - Like a cat, but it's flat as a mat. When afraid, it can catch the wind like a sail and hurl off like a plastic bag.
7. Fat Cat - A cat with a loaded stock portfolio and a hefty 401K. Also it's cute and chubby. Can and will speak. Return it to a bank or rich estate and it will give you sound investment advice.
8. Plutonium Cat - It's very cute, and very deadly. In about a minute it will meltdown into the ground. Glows orange in the dark. Incredibly hot. Incredibly friendly.
9. Water Cat - Scaled and finned like a fish. Spiked like an urchin. Poison causes strong allergic reaction. Hates to be out of water.
10. Wish Cat - If you catch it it'll grant you a Wish to let it go. But it's slippery like butter, cleverer than a fox, and for every distance you approach it, it becomes twice as far away.

Size Swap

R: Touch    D: 10 Minutes

You trade sizes with your Familiar. This means you can ride around on it. If it can fly, you can fly. If it can burrow, you can burrow. If it can swim, you can swim. If it can't do any of these things, then it can run really fast.

Vinegar Tom

R: Touch    D: 10 Minutes

Your Familiar becomes long and stretchy, and more impervious to harm. Any attacks against it have a 50% chance of failure on top of normal evasion rules. Your Familiar can also squeeze into impossibly small spaces by stretching like it's made of rubber.