Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Suit Court

If there's one thing that's been learned in Wizard City jurisprudence, it's that proving beyond reasonable doubt is 100% impossible when wizards are involved. In Wizard City, there is always a reasonable doubt. Thus was thrown out the jury trial in criminal proceedings in favor of instituting The Secret Police, the Office of Intellectual Property, and The Dean.

Civil proceedings, however, do not require reasonable doubt. In fact, they only require the disregard of most doubt. Say... 50% of the doubt? A much easier standard to achieve when wizard matters are involved.

And so the institution of the Civil Court was preserved. And it has evolved into what is now called The Suit Court - where one brings any sort of litigation involving MONEY. Where fortunes are broken and stolen! Where slaves are made of men and men are made free!

Though, BEWARE! 
For it is in the Suit Court that the judging of suits and the judging of suits shall take place.

Make sure your suit is iron and your suit is ironed.
That your facts are crisp and your pants even crisper!
For in one misstep of either will your hard-earned gold be forfeit.
And the loser of facts and fashion may become indentured.


The Judge is accompanied by a Court stenographer and a host of bodyguards duty-and-money-bound to 'protect the sanctity and integrity of the Judge's person and mind'. Often pulled from the Secret Police as cushy prestigious late-stage career options, these Dread Bailiffs are trained to detect the faintest whiff of enchantment, of anything of a magical nature which may compromise the mind and body of the Judge. They will tackle you if you approach or cast at the Judge without permission, hence dirtying your suit, and drastically hurting your chances.

Your case in court will be judged on the presentation of your outfit first and the facts of the case second. 
The more expensive, the more dignified, the more presentable your outfit, the greater the chance the Judge will rule in your favor. Hence, the worse your opponent's outfit is: the dirtier, the creasier, the more splattered with ketchup from lunch, the worse their chances.

The Court does not recommend sabotaging your opponent's clothes with 'childish food fight antics', 'paint explosions', or 'accidental projectile vomiting'. But it's not like this is a criminal proceeding: the Secret Police aren't going to throw you into a volcano for strategically spilled milk. And sometimes things beyond anyone's control happens! The Bailiffs aren't responsible for your safety during recesses. They certainly aren't responsible for what happens just outside the courtroom...

(Note: Your lawyer's outfit is just as important as yours is. Both must be presentable!)

All clothing being equal, however, it then comes down to facts, precedent, and logic. As argued by your lawyers.

You must merely convince the Judge with argument: that you have been dealt some great injustice and that your opponent's arguments have no merit. There is no jury to coerce. Only one rather old wizard.

After facts have been presented and final arguments have been made, the Judge will deliberate and a ruling will be issued. Typically judgements impose fines upon either the defendant or the accuser: amounts of spell-gold to be paid in lump sums or payment plans, to be negotiated by the Court Accountant (an underrated position in terms of power).

Judging Criteria
  • Cleanliness and Crisp
  • Confidence and Correct Fit
  • Complementary Colors, Designs, and Patterns
  • Complementary Outfits Between Lawyer and Defendant / Plaintiff
  • Thread Count
  • Exoticness of Fabric Materials
  • Style and Coherence With Present Fashion Trends
Typical Fines:

Theft: Value of the Items + dX% Interest
Murder of a Loved One: 1000 spellgold x Age of Victim (in Years) x dX
Intellectual Property Violation: Estimated Value of Theft + 100% Interest, and Recommended to Patent Police for Criminal Proceedings.
Injury to a Person: Cost of Medical Treatment at Victim's Doctor of Choice + Lawyers' Fees
Injury to a Person Resulting in Lost of Work Hours: Cost of Medical Treatment at Plaintiff's Doctor of Choice + Lost Productivity Costs to Plaintiff's Employer + Lawyers' Fees.
Injury to a Person's Property: Fraction of Item's Value proportional to Damages.
Inability to Procure Liquid Assets: Indenturement until Debts Paid.


Judge Lawstab:
All dX's are 3d4's.
  • Lawyer, tinker, tailor, mage. A quadruple threat in his heyday. 
  • Keeps his outfit traditional - wizards robes and pointed hat. Magical and potentially very deadly ties.
  • Smokes a pipe in court. Aggressively punctual with the smoke rings.
  • Gives no fucks - sassy and sarcastic. Will call attention to non-clothing-related details in the case that are particularly egregious.
  • Carries the Staff of Law, which strikes those who attempt to charm or Fear him with clothes-incinerating fire.

Judge Taff:
All dX's are 1d10's.
  • Rotund robber baron. Made his fortune in textile manufacturing.
  • Wears magic tailored suit that is somehow flattering. Magic likely involved.
  • Smokes cigars in court. Huge fan of exotic tobacco.
  • Susceptible to bribes, particularly extravagant ones. Deflects critique of corrupt rulings by declaring subjective nature of suit judging.
  • Nasty cough. Demands court grinds to a halt while he has coughing fits. During this time he is not paying attention while he coughs into a filthy handkerchief.

Judge Hathaway Press:
All dX's are 1d20-4's. If the result is negative, then Plaintiff must pay Defendant. If zero, Judge dismisses the case at conclusion.
  • Wears robes pressed so smooth and crisp that it forms an impenetrable magic barrier on her person.
  • All the lawyers are scared of her. For good reason.
  • Will examine clothes literally under a microscope for perfection.
  • Mean. Snarky. Critical. Perfectionist. Will destroy the unprepared.
  • Professor of Law. Two PhDs.
  • Will berate the finest flaws in your suits for hours. Down to the last unwanted microscopic crease.


All lawyers will argue for Defendants and Plaintiffs both.

Mr. Suit: 
  • Is a living, breathing, animated suit. It's hard to beat that! 
  • Keeps himself meticulously clean, though he can be a bit old-fashioned.
  • Makes snappy concise arguments that get right to the point. 
  • Fighting a reputation that he can't keep up with the times what with the fashion scene evolving and his literal being being tied to this particular suit.

Ms. Darling Reed:
  • Darling of the court. Most of the Judges like her, treat her like a daughter.
  • Keeps up with the latest fashions. Employees a tailor to make new suits for nearly every trial.
  • Rhetoric that tries to impress: bombastic, far-flinging, extravagant, dramatic.
  • Frequently enters the Well without asking and is given leniency by the Bailiffs and Judges to do so. Because they like her.
  • Expensive.
Carl McGoo
  • Not a great lawyer. Which is to say, he dresses like an academic: oversized suit, checkered pattern. Pants don't match. Ugly tie. A doom to your case.
  • Might get pity points from the Judge.
  • Will defend you for a ham sandwich.
  • Stutters when he gets nervous, which happens in court a lot.
Dexter Vox
  • Young, snappy, and attuned to the personalities of the judges. The hot new lawyer on the scene.
  • Perfect hair.
  • Employees seamstresses and tailors which he may or may not be dating.
  • Not that great at arguments. Most devolve into talking about himself. Never prepared to actually talk about the case.
  • Tries to keep all attention on him (and not his clients).

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