Monday, July 8, 2019

Speak With Earth

You see, it's a common misconception that the spell Speak With Animals allows you to converse in the animals' languages. How ridiculous it would be, that a single spell might bequeath a near-infinite number of entire fluent languages upon the caster, all for the lowest costs and with the least amount of magical training. No!

The way it works, is that all these creatures simply knew Common all along, they simply didn't want to talk to you. Speak With Animals is Enchantment - it compels them to speak.

So too, is it, with all things on this world. They could talk to you, if they wanted. But they don't. Nobody wants to talk to humans. Nobody wants to talk to you in particular. Humans are notoriously horrible. You're particularly horrible.

It's not that they can't talk to you,
it's just that they think your whole species are jerks.
They're probably right.
The noise you hear? The chattering of squirrels or the chirping of birds? Simply code. Code so that you politely might not understand how much animals don't like you.

Things dislike speaking in varying degrees. "Non-intelligent" animals dislike it quite a bit. You eat them for food and destroy their habitats, so of course they don't like talking to you. Insects and worms even more so - communication risks immediate squashing. Dogs are too nervous. Cats are just jerks.

This rock doesn't like you.
Rocks, though, are a bit different. It physically hurts them to speak. Imagine, for a second, rending yourself in half that you might speak to a fleeting instantaneous wave-particle of light or a single ocean wave. This is what it's like for a rock to speak in our tongue. It sucks.

This is why Speak With Earth is such a heinous spell. Whereas Speak With Animals is merely unethical - compelling sentient and intelligent creatures to have awkward conversation with you - Speak With Earth is grotesquely cruel and heinous. This is typically why, when Speak With Earth is cast, more aggravated stones will be willing to throw down and crush that arrogant wizard to a pulp. Hence the necessity for....                                   

                            JOE SHMOH'S MINERAL SCALE OF HARSHNESS


Mineral / Rock
Willing to Throw Down If You...
Attempt Rock Genocide (Most egregious)
Diamond, Sandstone
Actively try to destroy it*
Topaz, Marble
Speak With Earth + Make serious threats
Gold, Feldspar
Speak With Earth + Insult its mineral mom.
Cast Speak With Earth
Calcite, Cement
Break it
Osmium, Obsidian**
Piss on it
Step on it
Corundum (Ruby/Sapphire)
Converse with it by any means
Sulphur, Uranium
Exist in its presence (Least egregious)
*Note: this doesn’t necessarily mean crushing it. Some rocks (mostly non-gems) are more chill than others with being ground up. Things that “destroy” rocks: atomization, separating it from the earth, dissolving in acid, etc.

This is Talc. Don't step on it.
Calcium: You may as well be another rock, for all it can tell. Also: Do not attempt rock genocide. It will end very bad for you.
Diamond: Stoic and uncaring, provided you don’t try and shatter it
Sandstone: Composed of many many compacted minerals, it will only really get mad if you try and annihilate it.
Topaz: Most noble of gems! Elects to fight duels when threats are made.
Marble: It is a noble stone, far above common insults.
Gold: Most royal of minerals; hence, it takes no insults from peasants.
Feldspar: It really just likes its mom.
Zirconium: It sits right in the middle of all Scales. The centrist of minerals.
Calcite: It really doesn’t like being wet. Vulnerable to acid.
Cement: The walls and roads of the ancients are notorious for animating and breaking in half those who would tear them down.
Osmium: Doesn’t like being touched.
Obsidian: **Exception is if you’re picking it up to use it for war and carnage. It’s pragmatic like that.
Talc: Softest of minerals, hence with the most the prove. Very aggressive and quite pitiful.
Corundum (Ruby/Sapphire): The crystalized blood of the mammalian and mollusk gods hate each other and everything else with a divine fury.
Sulphur: This stuff is PISSED.
Uranium: Normally, it just tries to kill you by existing. Enough of it gathers in one place, however, and it’ll animate to radioactively stomp your ass.


  1. Where would Cinnabar be on this scale?

    [also Marble and Zirconium don't seem to be bolded in the text]

    1. I've been going with: more dangerous generally = more willing to throw down. So, a 7, maybe?

  2. Obsidian knows the PR benefit of being used in a macuahuitl.