Monday, December 9, 2019

The Hat Shop

You can't normally buy these hats. They can only rent them. Renting requires a security deposit. The rent isn't bad. The deposit can be lethal.

Bless you, Shovel Knight.

Roll 4d12 for which hats are currently available.

On doubles, that hat has a discount (half renter's fee).

On triples, that hat is being put on auction, starting price at deposit cost.

With a quadruple, the hat shop has gone out of business (inventory stolen, shop burned down, owner retiring, etc.); however, the Hat Shop owner, whether happy or sad, offers you his last hat for free.

Dunce’s Conal - The person wearing this hat uses a die one degree lower than the standard rolling die for all of their rolls. (If d20 is the standard roll, this person uses a d16 instead, or a d12.)
2gp / Week
Hood of Recall - The wearer may stretch the hood over their entire body to instantly teleport to the Hat Shop.
4gp / Week
Unseen Bowler - Place the hat upon the air, and it shall act as a constant Unseen Servant of unlimited duration and distance until another person touches it, at which point it will fall uselessly to the ground.
6gp / Week
Parlor Pleaser - One may pull from a virtually infinite supply of rabbits within the hat. They can be bitey, however. If you’re not good at handling them, they’ll nip you for 1 damage every time you reach in.
10gp / Week
Braincap - While worn, you hear the thoughts of everyone within 30ft. This effect is constant and cannot be controlled. Requires a successful Intelligence check to decipher one person's thoughts. Requires one additional check per extra person within 30ft. (If there are 5 folk within 30ft, including the wearer, they will need to pass 4 successive INT checks to read one person's mind.)
15gp / Week
The Essential Existentialist - Anything upon which the tophat is placed becomes animate, gaining anthropomorphic features and a personality to boot, but only so long as the hat is worn. Animated thing will require convincing to serve its creator. CHA check by default.
20gp / Week
The Goodman - The wearer generates a grievously good-aligned twin of themselves right where they’re standing, while they themselves get teleported randomly within a few miles while receiving a dastardly mark (evil-looking scar, red eyes, filed teeth) and losing all non-clothing possessions. The twin then proceeds to act as a general saint - donating their things, tolerating no evil from anyone or anything, and acting selflessly themselves, no matter the inconvenience. When the Hat is removed, the good twin will disappear. The Dastardly Mark remains.
One slave. Goodie-two-shoes will no doubt want them freed, in return for the Hat.
2 Hearts per Week, Fresh or Frozen. Must be intact and whole.
Dropper of Eaves - This hat clearly and subtly parrots into your ear anything that is being whispered within your vicinity.
A spicy and dangerous secret of the wielder, to be unremembered at time of deposit collection.
Two spicy bits of scandal or gossip per Week.
Wide-Brimmed Demon Snare - Beads, chains, and baubles dangling from this wide-brimmed hat produce a constant Magic Circle effect while the wearer is standing straight up and isn’t running.
One trapped Familiar. Always in demand.
One trapped shadow per Week.
The Black Ushanka Blinder - Casts a dark shadow upon the wearer’s face. While wearing, the subject does not register as having a soul. Ghosts can’t interact or see. Any divinations of their person come up as negative. They are immune to Magic Jar. However, their body can be commanded or turned as Undead. Speak With Dead compels them as it would a corpse.
Your face, mouth excepted. Don’t worry, it will be kept fresh and moist.
One blessed and ordained Holy Symbol per Week. (Yes, these may burn you.)
Another’s Fez - Temporarily imbues all of the memories of the last person who wore it, but none derived from previous wearers before that. Only accessed while worn. Memories of previous wearers involving memories of even more previous wearers are strategically blurred.
All memories of banking accounts. Accounts must contain sufficient collateral. Trust me, you don’t want to recall these while you have that hat.
Unedited biography chapters. One per week.
Immortal Helmet - While wearing this hat, the wearer may never die. They may, however, become wounded, unconscious, amputated, decapitated, exsanguinated, or anything else short of brain death. You can also bet The Hat Shop will eventually come to repossess.
Your immortal soul. Compounding Interest on these can be quite profitable.
1 HP Maximum per Week.


  1. These are interesting. Do they rent bike helmets and specifically wizard hats too?

    1. I like to think that any hat a wizard is wearing is a wizard hat.

  2. Braincap's got to be a toque of pinkish grey wool.