Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Wizard Punishment

Okay, so... If you're running a campaign about wizard crime in a wizard city, the question inevitably comes up: what do the police do with criminals? What's the deal with crime and punishment? Are there magical trials and juries and judges and lawyers? Is Wizard Prison a thing?

The answer is: No.

Judge Death, a respectable wizard in his own right.


With literally everyone having capabilities of forging evidence at a moment's notice (illusory witnesses, mind control, conjuring a paper trail, etc.), trials are kind of pointless. Police have to act Judge Dredd style. They see crime, they punish crime.

And no matter how many bells, whistles, alarm spells, anti-magic fields, magical guardians and all that jazz you put in it, a Wizard Prison that's basically just some stone walls that wizards sit in is about the most mundane and unimaginative way to deal with crime. Would Wizards really stand for that?

I mean, sure, you could potentially do a session about a jail break. That might be fun.

But that's against the spirit of the thing. Why have Wizard Prison when you can throw your criminals into the future?

So, You've Broken Wizard Law, Eh? 
Well, You're Getting Tossed Into a Volcano, Or...

  1. Mind Prison. Inception style. Inescapable mind maze until your "term" is up. 24 Hour stay in some basement somewhere while your mind spends 1d10x100 years within itself. Severely rots Wisdom.
  2. New Brain. From less criminally-inclined person... supposedly. Same body, whole new personality and mental stats.
  3. Merge Souls. With a fairly decent fellow. Maybe he'll mild you out... Or not! Roll stats and/or traits for new character, then average them with yours.
  4. Launched Into Dimension Beyond Space and Time. Get a new perspective on things. Definitely won't be coming back the same. Find the craziest things-happen-to-you table you can find and roll on that.
  5. Released. An oracle vouched that you'd never commit a crime again. Problem solved!
  6. Wizard Gladiatorial Arena. Survive and you get off totally free!
  7. Judged by Eon Eye. Disintegrates you on the spot if it sees a better cosmic future for doing so. Simple method: Flip a coin. Complex method: Eon Eye spares you, but now some extra-dimensional ne'er-do-well wants to end you to create a worse cosmic future.
  8. Thrown Into the Future! About 10d20 years or so. You'd have thought that someone would have figured out that this was a bad policy by now, as the city is constantly receiving past criminals thrown from past into the present.
  9. Police Wires. Just about every clairvoyance and scrying spell imaginable gets surgically implanted within body/brain. Will transmit every word you say and spell you cast directly to the police. Removal will kill you. They'll know where to find you, always.
  10. Temporary Suspension of Magic. Only temporary. Nobody would be so cruel as to permanently take away a Wizard's magic.
  11. Stripped of Wizard Rank. If any. Enjoy being an intern!
  12. The Dunce Cap of Dumbheads. Forced to wear hat that severely hampers intellect. General populace will laugh at you.
  13. Just Kidding! Volcano It Is!
  14. Old Lady Ghost with Spray Bottle. Materializes and shouts "BAD! BAD!" and sprays you with water whenever you're about to do something an old lady wouldn't approve.
  15. Confiscating Your Shit. Cops just take your stuff. Anything and everything you've got on you.
  16. Morality Wasp. Magical wasp periodically stings you somewhere sensitive until you do a deed as good as your crime was bad.
  17. Mo-RON Induction. They put your brain in a jar. (Awesome Mo-RON body not included, only jar.)
  18. A Few Minutes in the CHAMBER OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE TORTURE. They love talking this one up. Nobody can remember exactly what happens in it. Random stat drain.
  19. Groundhog Day. Relive the last 24 hours over and over until you stop being such a nard.
  20. Spell Debt. Every day you must report to the station and cast some spells to help make wands until your debt is paid, with interest. This will probably run you into the Wandmaker's Union.