Time in a Dayless World

My homebrew campaign setting is called Tidelock. It is, true to its name, about a tidally-locked planet that recently was not. The Apocalypse happened, and it was the Tidal Lock. The world is not geologically or meteorologically realistic. Concessions have been made for fun and convenience. (For instance, the Moon remains arrested out of orbit above the not-Sun-facing pole.) Wizards and Gods did it, all that jazz.

I think this was created by Beau.TheConsortium for the Rare Earth Wiki, but I'm not certain.

The advantage of this setting is that there are clear PC-capability bounded areas, and clear geographical expectations. There is a Habitable Ring around the belt of the planet. Walk towards the Sun and you'll eventually die of heat exhaustion. Walk towards the ice pole and you'll eventually freeze.

What's not so clear, though, is the extent to which things that we (human beings on Earth) take for granted have changed.

The most profound impact of this from a societal standpoint is, by far, the impact on the notion of Time.

There is no Day and no Night. There aren't Four Seasons. No Lunar Cycle. No Tides. No Stars.

(No Stars, at least where people can exist)

So how do people keep track of time? Do they keep track of time? Why would they? What is the relevance of a Calendar when nearly all indicators of Time have been obfuscated?

And, most importantly, how does this impact fantasy societies?

~~~~~~

The Wizards of Chronulus, the City of True Time, have been keeping the Time since the Apocalypse, down to the second. They didn't need to do this, but they did. It was a result of neurotic bookkeeping academics - they just had to know.

There are clocks all over the city. Thousands of them. Newcomers to the city can't stand it, and will often go without sleep for days. They run on Metric time. 10 Hour Days.

They say there's about 4 seconds of variance in the city's timekeeping, due to a notorious intern named Fred who messed up the Standard Clock two centuries ago. "Fred" is now used as a curse word in all scenarios.

People in the city work in two shifts: Afternoon (10-5) and Beforenoon (5-10). Each is the equivalent to 12 hours for us. There are no rest days. Weekends were abolished along with the week. They work until they die.

~~~~~~

The Men of the Southlands had to maintain the Yearly Rites, terrible though they were, lest the gods retract their protection.

Their numbers were scarce following the Tidal Lock. They could not afford to perform the Rites too often, lest their numbers dwindle. They could not abandon them, either, lest the Wolves claim them.

10 women most fertile would engage in ritual conception. When swollen bellies were first observed, 10 women would partake again. When this second group had given birth it would begin again. All who were chosen were whisked away to a coven, forbidden to leave or to touch any man until the year was up. They were fiercely protected.

The First Children would be augured as omens of peace and prosperity. The Second Children would be augured as omens of death and pain, as their birth signaled for the Yearly Rites to begin once again.

These omens would stay with the Children forever. Such was their burden.

~~~~~~

The Dragonborn of Kobara have a sacred mountain in the West, by the endless glaciers of Rim.

The mountain, wide in latitude, shields a great reservoir in its depths. It is a sacred water source - only those of strong protective sorcery ever dare approach it, for fear of the water spirit that resides within.

It produces a steady drip, slow, deliberate, shielded for evaporation or other meddling. This holiest of waters is kept for divination and cleansing rituals. It takes 120 days for enough to decant for one such application. Every such period there is to be a feast.

The Griots and Diviners say that when the waters run dry an empire will fall. It has happened once before, and will happen again soon.

~~~~~~

I'll include the rest of my ideas in list form.

How Is The Time Kept?

1. Crop Harvest - Plant all your seeds at once. When they're ripe one Harvest has passed.
2. Decomposing Body - Underdark method. Dead body kept in controlled environment with known factors. Various stages give hint at passed time.
3. Titanwalk - A giant of great strength, in pact with the people who saved him, strides across the land to mine freshwater ice from the western glaciers and bring it to the eastern desert. He leaves "Foot Lakes" along the way. His titanic glacier-placement produces a yearly Nile-like flood.
4. The Yearglass - Like an hourglass, but much, much bigger. Massive, mechanically automated. Smaller ones used in accompaniment.
5. Celestial Gazing - In Undland under the Red Moon, where none but the dead may live, one can still see the stars. Frostcrusted astronomers still gaze at the ever-night sky, no longer understanding its significance but no longer caring. Their time in measured in the planet's wobble - a long period which only the dead would use.
6. The Long Curse - Buried here, in Goldsoul. Based on the orbit of Korw, the Deep Moon. Elementals and deep things can rely on its orbit once every 25,000 years in the mantle.
7. Observed Cuts - A trained smith or surgeon produces a cut of consistent depth on a tested individual's arm or face. Its stages of recovery grant insight to time passed. Inexact, but useful on the move.
8. Sleep Schedules - Circadian rhythm, while screwed up, didn't go entirely away with the Apocalypse. People still needed to sleep. Immensely inaccurate method, and highly dependent on individuals, but also the most practical unit of measurement.
9. The Death Bell - In the Chapel of Crows there exists a little bell that rings every time someone on the planet dies. Averaged out over 1000 occurrences makes a decent approximation for one hour. (Their planetary population is far less than ours.)
10. It's Not - Some societies are small enough to not be subject to the tyranny of Time. They have memories, but no past. There is potential, but no future. With no daylight to burn there is no rush. Always living in the moment, yet always susceptible to conquest by timekeeping nations.

20 Magical Guards

Locks

Traps

Alarms

Guards

What these d20 Table posts are starting to look like is a system for quickly generating random interchangeable hazards for protected locations.

Maybe this will include some kind of dice-location-falling mechanic?

Will require testing.

Anyways, here's 20 Guards.

Robots have slowly phased out since the "Charm Robot" spell was put on the market.

Guards

Guards are either designed, enticed, captured, or paid to deal with troublemakers.

They typically work in conjunction with the Alarm.

1. Chandelier Mimic - An oldie but a goodie. Ceiling-dwelling mimic that uses its twisted-iron arms to drag intruders up into its kraken-esque crystaltooth maw. Also drops flaming candles.
2. Depression Slime - Doesn’t really do anything itself, other than creeping along at the edge of peoples’ vision. Those who smell its vapors are allotted 2d20 actions before their next Long Rest. Every single action declared (including each turn’s movement) is subtracted from this total. Subject curls into a fetal position when actions are all used up. Being carried does not constitute an action. Having an idea does.
3. Animated Pants - Will grapple and put themselves on thieves in a flurry. Once on has full control over intruder’s legs. Made of kevlar. Will use them to run in inconvenient directions or kick people mercilessly in the balls.
4. Hungry Manticore - The man-faced variety. Clearly was once a wizard. Can only eat those who agree to it. Thankfully, Charm spells can handle that problem.
5. Co-RON - When developmentally-arrested child brains are put in jars, then put into limb-crushing mobility suits, then instructed that every person they see in their space is their personal possession. On the bright side, you might get to have a tea party with a prepubescent death machine!
6. Another Wizard - Sometimes a fellow wizard gets desperate enough to take up a guard job. Oh, the humiliation! At least it comes with a lot of reading time and all the intruders you can fry in flaming Grease.
7. Anti-Sphinx - Lion head, human body. Blurts out answer to the riddle, but not the riddle itself. (i.e. “Time!”, “Shadows!”, “Man!”, “A Newspaper!”) Attacks with great ferocity if no riddle is given for its answers.
8. Beeeeeeeeeeeeees! - A lot of bees. Like, a heck of a lot of bees. Like, an incomprehensible number of bees... Release the bees!
9. Mirror Golem - Two-faceted silver nitrate coated machine. Deflects direct-target spells. Front facet shows a false future - anyone who looks in it gains disadvantage on their next roll. Rear facet shows a true future with opposite effect.
10. Bound Knife Demon - About ten arms, a face more scar than face, and a hundred cursed knives. Definitely wants to weasel out of contract with wizard, but sucks at lawyering and can’t not constantly exsanguinate everything in sight. A copy of the contract must be kept within the bounded area.
11. Sonic Stalker - Ethereal, invisible wraithlike creature hovers above intruders, holding two spindly delicate hands just outside their ears. Produces escalating white noise until it deafens and/or causes brain hemorrhaging. Doesn’t float very fast.
12. Ribbon Elemental - A cascading tide-dancing onion of elemental ribbons. Liable to choke, arrest, or dislocate every limb. Vulnerable to turbulent air currents.
13. Running Zombie Hoard - They smell like a stack of shit waffles, but have this endearing brute force quality to them. Unlike most zombies they can run at full normal speed. Rival wizards are notoriously inconsistent with their jogging regimens. Hoard sizes are measured in how many Fireballs it takes to wipe them out. 3-4 are the norm for guarding work.
14. Monster Maker - A clockwork Easy Bake Oven as big as a elephant with spindly bow-legged limbs. Produces terrible whirring/pistoning sounds and jettisons steam all over the place. Find at least two random tables for encounters/monsters. Roll on both of them. Something haphazardly combining the two comes out of the Monster Maker after a cacophonous “Ding!”. 1 on a d4 produces Cronenberg monstrocity. Everything else is a half-half. Monsters last for 1 minute before decomposing into goo. May produce monster every 2d4 Rounds. Surprisingly fast for a walking oven.
15. Child Ninjas - You wouldn’t hurt a child, would you? Half the time they’re actually centuries old super soldiers or something. Ferocious, merciless, but ultimately still children. Kept in line by brainwashing and command phrases. Hallucinogenic poison is a favorite tool.
16. Party Mirror - Alignment-reflected vengeful clones of every party member. Same capabilities, same stats, same equipment.
17. Sleepy Siren - Ocean siren kept in stasis on artificial island in complex. Alarm wakes her. Shortly after, siren call goes out throughout entire building. All who fail save are drawn to her. She’s quite hungry after such a long rest, but her vision is blurry her body is a bit stiff.
18. Adorable Pet - Ridiculously cute dog. Just the sweetest thing! Literally the most adorable creature one could possibly encounter. Looking into its eyes Captivates the victim for 1d4 Turns, putting them into a suggestible state, which the dog then utilizes to make the intruders give him food then take him for a walk.
19. Patent Violation Automaton - Clunky robot has one job and one job only: to violate patent law when the alarm sounds. Repeatedly casts a copyrighted spell until the teleporting Patent Police arrive in several rounds to ask questions and break bones - not necessarily in that order.
20. Reverse Gravity Geist - Invisible long-dead guardian of the Gravity Lords, triggered by some preempted blasphemy. Can reverse gravity for one object/person per round. Loves dropping heavy things on wizards, or sending them careening out windows.

Dungeon Summary: Leviathan

About three months ago I made a post for Leviathan. Not the deep sea creature of biblical myth, but the titanic living metaphor of State power.

Since then, I've been toiling and musing about how to use it for my two home campaigns. It's gone through several iterations. I think I'm ready for the nitty gritty work. It'll use one of these ideas as well.

The Leviathan Dungeon will be about three things:

1. (Un)Dead Arcology

2. Utilizing Language

3. Statecraft Magic

Mixed all together: a fallen Leviathan, the avatar of a now-dead State, preserved underground. Its arms of fortresses and churches, its body made from a nation's people. Its face the Face of The Sovereign. Its greatest servitors still shuffling about, undead. The Sovereign sits dead and defeated upon his throne of corpses, blood-rusted knife in back.

The walls in Leviathan, dead though they are, can still speak. They speak a hundred dead languages, each one tailored to a caste. It was a society where word was social standing. Where servants spoke a different language from the priests, who spoke a different language from the criminals, who spoke a different language from the Sovereign.

You know how in George Orwell's 1984, the government develops "Newspeak" in order to align peoples' capabilities of thought to limit their function to rebel? It's like that, but a bit more variation.

Some Remnants

Thousands upon thousands of peasant-class undead, holding up the structure of Leviathan to this day, because in their bequeathed artificial language there are no modes of "No", of negative. Linguistic-neurological workarounds were sealed. Their last command to form Leviathan stands, so even their dead bodies prop up the megastructure to this day.

Inquisitors of Word, with Staffs of Lingual-Interdiction, who still shuffle about, smiting heretical language where it may be found. To them, surface intruders will be as aliens. They will attempt to wipe all modes of communication in the invaders until there is naught but a blank slate. To lose all of one's languages is to become a disordering of chaotic neurons, stunned until some basic mode of understanding is imparted.

The Sovereign, a dead giant, who knew the Language of Command. Every command spoken was of the Command spell. Every word was a Power Word. Every phrase had internal-control forget-syllables to ensure that they could never be reused. Such terrible power, and still he was undone.

Carriers of the Betrayer Language - the disease that ultimately undid the culture. Those who know it are subconsciously driven to betrayal. To understand its words is to unknowingly flirt with disaster.

Babelers, gibbering monstrosities. As Mouthers but without eyes or teeth - they sense by word and breath. The people of the dead society fought and nearly eradicated them with the Deaf Legion, but not in entirety. Hearing their words scrambles comprehension. Those under the progressively worsening Gibbercurse acquire a neuro-associative disease to improperly associate word and object.

The Main Mechanic

Languages Known will be the mode of Hit Points in this dungeon. There will be mechanisms for bequeathing language, and mechanisms for taking it away. To lose all of ones Languages from the surface is to suffer an Ego death. To have nothing but Leviathan's languages is to submit to their culture.

To be left knowing only dead languages is quite a predicament indeed. Moreso for ones that limit modes of thought. Your languages from the surface, even they are savage like Gnoll or Orc, will save you when Common and Elvish are wiped out.

The Entrance

Before it all there is an office building-sized cavern, its entire height taken up by the serene face of The Sovereign. You enter at the face, right through the pupil. There, through the aperture, sits the Master, dead upon his throne.

Coincidentally, this captures the idea perfectly.
One Punch Man, S1E3

Additional outline posts TBD.

Weird Locks

Locks

Traps

Alarms

Guards

The next thing I'm doing for Wizard City are d20 tables for Locks, Traps, Alarms, and Guards, intended to be used to quickly generate problems for a heist scenario.

For this first one I am deliberately avoiding the "there is a spell on this lock that triggers when it's messed with", or the "assemble the pieces of the Master Key", because those are quite common and kind of dull.

So, what's the purpose of Locks? For the purposes of a Wizard City campaign, a lock is designed to slow down, discourage, or otherwise prevent entry. It is expected that any wizard, given enough time, will be able to crack any lock, so they're not designed to be impenetrable.

(Note: For some of these, there is an assumption that time travel is an option to the players.)

What Lock Does This Place/Thing Have?

1. Secret Handshake - Lock shaped as hand. Requires performing secret handshake with said hand. Failure and hand grabs your wrist and holds tight until reset by owner.
2. Mystery Box - Internally dark box contains gross-feeling stuff, possibly extradimensional hole to some ethereal feeder. The Box will bite off anything that doesn't smell familiar.
3. Crocodile Maw - Shaped as crocodile head. Requires feeding specific kind of meat to open lock.
4. Knock Knock Lock - Jolly face engraved in metal. Requires speaking a knock knock joke to it, or it’ll shoot lasers at you.
5. The Blind Eye - Eye embedded in lock, looks menacingly at anyone nearby. Contents may only be accessed as long as eye is closed. Eye closes as long as nobody looks at it. Opening eyes while accessing results in disintegration/stupidication/trap.
6. My Hole - Lock contains person-sized outline of owner. Only someone of exactly their dimensions may enter. Popular with amputee wizards.
7. Skunk Dust Keyhole - Unless correct key is used, lock shoots pheromones or a stinky stain-y dust from the keyhole, coating anyone nearby. The smell and dust are nearly impossible to get off.
8. Quantum Lock - Until observed, lock is both simultaneously unlocked and locked. Once observed it will permanently be in one or the other state for any particular person. Typically used in tandem. Flip a coin for each person observing. On heads it’s unlocked for them. Tails, locked. Do this for each lock and each person separately.
9. Heart Sacrifice - Requires still-beating human heart to be plugged into system to open.
10. Poison Wine Lock - A classic. Table arrayed with goblets each containing different and distinct wines. Drinking one in entirety will open lock. Some are just nice wine. Some are deadly poison. (The alternative to this, the Keg Lock, requires one to chug an entire keg of beer to unlock)
11. Gossip Statue - Very intrigued-looking wooden statue of person in eavesdropping or whisper-receiving pose. Requires whispering someone’s personal secret into the statue’s ear. Owner can extract these from statue at will.
12. Gordian Lock - A twisted rope tied in an incomprehensibly complex knot. Only one destined to rule can cut it in one swipe. Only the one who ties it can untie it. Everyone else can either muddle their way through trying to untie it, or slowly chop their way through. Either way takes a serious investment of time.
13. N-Dimensional Sequential Move Puzzle - A rubix cube, but higher than 4th dimensional. Nobody less than a savant of puzzles could even attempt to crack this rotating non-euclidian nightmare. Probably also contains a demon.
14. Art Critic - A snooty little man-lock requires you show him a piece of good art. Will dismiss all but from well-established artists.
15. 1000 Year Lock - Metal lock “blooms” (opens) once only every 1000 years for exactly one day. If you miss your chance that’s it… Or maybe time travel.
16. Singing Lock - Requires one to sing harmoniously with its programmed tune. Typically requires either a high alto or a deep bass. Make sure to have the players attempt this themselves.
17. Celestial Sphere Lock - Lock only becomes visible at specific time on specific day of the year. Typically involves sunlight or moonlight beams bouncing all over the place and being all dramatic.
18. Picky Flower - Flower requires proper combination of water, salinity, pH, and nutrients in order to bloom. Bulb of flower, when blooming, opens portal to extradimensional space. Some flowers require special solutions, like watering with acid, springwater from the fountain of youth, or fetal human serum.
19. Beard Test - Your wizard beard must be at least this wizardly to unlock this portal! Looks like a from-the-waist-up robotic barber, but it measures the quality of your wizard beard on a couple big spools. Beard must have minimum length, width, volume, and wizardiness.
20. Cat Herding Lock - Requires that X number of cats be sitting atop a pedestal. Usually in the 20-30 range. Cats are typically scattered throughout the estate for exactly this purpose. Most common method is training them with Pavlovian response (such as a bell) to come for food.

Wizard Punishment

Okay, so... If you're running a campaign about wizard crime in a wizard city, the question inevitably comes up: what do the police do with criminals? What's the deal with crime and punishment? Are there magical trials and juries and judges and lawyers? Is Wizard Prison a thing?

The answer is: No.

Judge Death, a respectable wizard in his own right.

...Kinda?

With literally everyone having capabilities of forging evidence at a moment's notice (illusory witnesses, mind control, conjuring a paper trail, etc.), trials are kind of pointless. Police have to act Judge Dredd style. They see crime, they punish crime.

And no matter how many bells, whistles, alarm spells, anti-magic fields, magical guardians and all that jazz you put in it, a Wizard Prison that's basically just some stone walls that wizards sit in is about the most mundane and unimaginative way to deal with crime. Would Wizards really stand for that?

I mean, sure, you could potentially do a session about a jail break. That might be fun.

But that's against the spirit of the thing. Why have Wizard Prison when you can throw your criminals into the future?

So, You've Broken Wizard Law, Eh? 

Well, You're Getting Tossed Into a Volcano, Or...

1. Mind Prison. Inception style. Inescapable mind maze until your "term" is up. 24 Hour stay in some basement somewhere while your mind spends 1d10x100 years within itself. Severely rots Wisdom.
2. New Brain. From less criminally-inclined person... supposedly. Same body, whole new personality and mental stats.
3. Merge Souls. With a fairly decent fellow. Maybe he'll mild you out... Or not! Roll stats and/or traits for new character, then average them with yours.
4. Launched Into Dimension Beyond Space and Time. Get a new perspective on things. Definitely won't be coming back the same. Find the craziest things-happen-to-you table you can find and roll on that.
5. Released. An oracle vouched that you'd never commit a crime again. Problem solved!
6. Wizard Gladiatorial Arena. Survive and you get off totally free!
7. Judged by Eon Eye. Disintegrates you on the spot if it sees a better cosmic future for doing so. Simple method: Flip a coin. Complex method: Eon Eye spares you, but now some extra-dimensional ne'er-do-well wants to end you to create a worse cosmic future.
8. Thrown Into the Future! About 10d20 years or so. You'd have thought that someone would have figured out that this was a bad policy by now, as the city is constantly receiving past criminals thrown from past into the present.
9. Police Wires. Just about every clairvoyance and scrying spell imaginable gets surgically implanted within body/brain. Will transmit every word you say and spell you cast directly to the police. Removal will kill you. They'll know where to find you, always.
10. Temporary Suspension of Magic. Only temporary. Nobody would be so cruel as to permanently take away a Wizard's magic.
11. Stripped of Wizard Rank. If any. Enjoy being an intern!
12. The Dunce Cap of Dumbheads. Forced to wear hat that severely hampers intellect. General populace will laugh at you.
13. Just Kidding! Volcano It Is!
14. Old Lady Ghost with Spray Bottle. Materializes and shouts "BAD! BAD!" and sprays you with water whenever you're about to do something an old lady wouldn't approve.
15. Confiscating Your Shit. Cops just take your stuff. Anything and everything you've got on you.
16. Morality Wasp. Magical wasp periodically stings you somewhere sensitive until you do a deed as good as your crime was bad.
17. Mo-RON Induction. They put your brain in a jar. (Awesome Mo-RON body not included, only jar.)
18. A Few Minutes in the CHAMBER OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE TORTURE. They love talking this one up. Nobody can remember exactly what happens in it. Random stat drain.
19. Groundhog Day. Relive the last 24 hours over and over until you stop being such a nard.
20. Spell Debt. Every day you must report to the station and cast some spells to help make wands until your debt is paid, with interest. This will probably run you into the Wandmaker's Union.

Goldsoul Mines Part 4

Dungeon Introduction

Domain of the Old Army

Goldsoul Mines

Metamorphic Were-Spider Lair

Deep Lake Caverns 

Goldsoul Mines Map

Chobar Gufa Cave, Nepal. Image Source Heath Werrett

Finally got off my ass and finished it, for the most part.

Part 4 - Deep Lake Caverns

I'm going to compile all of these parts, try and iron out the inconsistencies, and see how it looks from there.

Bootleg Spells

Wizard City has a spell patent system. Here are the quick rules:

• Any spell that incorporates a Name in your rule set is patented. (e.g. Gary’s Gigantic Goat)
• If there are no named spells in your rule set, select a few to have names. (Table to be made soon)
• One must either purchase rights to cast patented spells, or use them illegally. The bureaucracy that keeps track of who bought what is notoriously inept.
• The right to cast any particular spell is about as much as thrice the cost to copy it into one’s spellbook. These rights typically last for a year.
• Illegally using a patented spell summons the Patent Police. They arrive in force to the scene in 4d4 Rounds after cast. Generally speaking they are excessively destructive, and have a tendency to shoot first then ask questions. This should quickly end whatever conflict is happening.
• Bootleg Spells are a thing. They are potentially dangerous but don’t summon the Patent Police.
• Some Bootleg Spells are more fun than the original.

Giles Woodward made this.

Bootleg Spells

Original	Spell Name	What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Magic Missile	Marvin’s Moderately Collateral Projectiles	Every third missile veers off into semi-random target. Makes loud fireworks noises. Veering missiles prioritize innocent bystanders.
Cure Wounds	Dr. Flasnaw’s Fantastic Medicinal Cure-All!	1 in 6 chance of: 1) Temporary blindness. 2) Grow identical tumor twin-head out of neck. 3) Head turning 180-degrees. 4) Passing a snake. 5) Skin turning neon yellow 6) Kidney Failure
Prestidigitation	Mordimort’s Magical Magnificience	50% chance that hands catch on fire. Actual fire, not illusory.
Color Spray	Ginny’s Glitterbomb	Doesn’t spray color, just explodes a metric ton of glitter at targets. Same spell effect. Not even magical dry cleaning can remove all of the glitter.
Comprehend Languages	Percival’s Personal Polyglot	Summons magical kindergartener to translate for you. They understand what’s being said but just don’t have a very sophisticated vocabulary yet.
Hideous Laughter	Harry’s Horrible Har-de-har	Everyone affected, in addition to laughing uncontrollably, also begins vomiting and shitting their pants uncontrollably. Also affects caster.
Knock	Martha’s Master Key	Loudly explodes thing open, 50% chance of damaging caster.
Suggestion	Roald’s Reverse Psychology	60% chance that the target will do the exact opposite of what you told them to.
Web	Weber’s Web	Same spell, but it smells… musky. Gross.
Fireball	Timur’s Time Bomb	Fireball detonates 1d4 rounds after cast, add 5ft to radius for every round delayed. This roll is made secretly by GM.
Phantom Steed	Nani’s Noble Steed	Takes the form of an old donkey, speed is 20ft slower than normal steed.
Invisibility	Gyges’s Great Devisualization	1 in 3 chance that the caster is not actually invisible, but cannot be convinced that they aren’t.
Gentle Repose	Pat’s Preservation	It just dumps about 10 gallons of formalin on the body. Does nothing beyond that.
Magic Mouth	Sally’s Sassy Mouth	Mouth only delivers message once, then it will loudly complain about everything and anything, particularly the caster.
Dimension Door	Reginald’s Rematerialization	Creates exact copy of persons at target location, murders originals. 50% chance that original will have incompletely disintegrated, and will emerge along with copy, painfully burning and screaming as they turn to ash before your eyes.
Geas	Gunny’s “Get Me A Beer”	1 in 4 chance that the target, instead of intended compulsion, goes to get the caster a beer.
Magnificent Mansion	Cob’s Crackhouse	Summons extradimensional crackhouse for you and your friends to romp around in! Even comes with its own crackheads, oh boy!
Clone	Raggathar’s Replication	The Clone must grow as a tumorous conjoined twin during the gestation process. Eventually separates but must be connected by umbilical cord until used. Also the Clone probably wants to kill you and absorb your nutrients.
Wish	Wilhelm’s Wish	Same as original, except that the only Wish you can wish for is to be erotically pummeled by several dominatrixes dressed as clowns.

Original	Spell Name	What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Finger of Death	Stubb’s Stink Eye	Summons grisly, dirty old man to give target the Stink Eye of Death. 1 in 6 cumulative chance he’ll wheel around and give it to the caster instead.
Reverse Gravity	Velma’s Variable Vector	No control over the direction of the gravity shift. Completely random. Direction changes once during spell’s duration.
Magic Jar	Mogrom’s Mason Jar	Causes target to shrink down and be trapped inside a mason jar. They do not need sustenance. They are helpless and cannot cast magic. They may, however, make loud commentary that can be heard well outside the jar.
True Seeing	Neville’s Near-Hit	Incapable of visualizing clothes, except underwear.
Stone to Flesh	Stephanie’s Stone to Bleh	Oh, it’ll unpetrify someone, but it also turns them into a (figurative) bag of goo. Target becomes lethargic, depressed, and won’t want to be moved around at all.
Circle of Death	Cobok’s Circle of Slow And Painful Death	Takes a rather long time with killing someone. Instead of insta-death, it causes a very slow, painful, drawn-out death. Requires 1d10 minutes to kill someone with this spell, during which they’ll be impatiently dying but totally in control of their faculties. Requires target to remain in circle the entire duration.
Jump	Pearson’s Pole Vault	Summons magical spring-pole to vault upon. 10% chance of hilariously listing to the left or right. 5% chance of catapulting backwards.
Legend Lore	Bueller’s Bargain Bin Book	Summons an outdated school textbook from which you can learn about the chosen subject. 60% chance of being oversimplified, historically un-factual, and politically incorrect.
Dream	Desmond’s Dream… With a Guy Named Larry In It.	Largely works as intended, although every instance will produce an appearance of Larry in the dream. Larry is just your average office worker, who loudly eats potato chips in his striped shirt and khakis while watching the dream with interest. He insists upon being ignored and to “go on and continue the show”.
Cone of Cold	Connie’s Cone of Cold	Due to translation error, has a 20% chance of giving all in target area a minor cold instead of freezing them to death.
Faithful Hound	Voltairn’s Very Good Boy	Rather than summoning an invisible hunter-killer phantom hound, it just summons a normal domesticated phantom dog. You can pet it, it borks at things, and loves belly rubs. Doubtful how great it’ll be for biting stuff, though.
Private Sanctum	Mark’s Man-Box	It’s private, for sure! It just smells like a damn men’s locker room in there. There are loads of crushed beer cans around, and anyone entering must save to avoid gagging.
Contact Other Plane	Grandma Phoebe’s Phone The Pharmacist	Summons ancient rotary phone for which you can attempt to call your destination, inevitably fail, then call the operator’s number, have to talk to the chatty operator for 10 minutes, who will finally, maybe, connect you to the wrong number.
Hallucinatory Terrain	Feeb’s Far-Out Experience	Doesn’t craft illusion so much as get everyone involved really really high, who then actually hallucinate alien landscapes
Stone Shape	Dick’s Dimorphic Stone Shape	Perfectly functional, though a bit awkward, as every stone you shape must be composed of stone-dicks. Options include many many small dicks, plenty of slight-larger-than-average dicks, a few really big dicks, or one massive dick.
Polymorph	Cicero’s Chickenmorph	Only functions if the target is being turned into some kind of chicken: small chicken, big chicken, fried chicken, etc.
Haste	Toshley’s Time Dilation	10% chance that caster will freeze time, provoking the Time Police to have to show up and fix everything. Penalties range from “Getting Off Easy” to “Time Jail”.
Detect Thoughts	Kelvin’s Kink Shame	50% chance while using that you’re going to find out a lot more about this person than you wanted, and nothing else.
Feather Fall	Falala’s Feather Bed	Instead summons a bed of feathers to fall upon. Hope you aren’t wearing anything sticky...