Ancient Amino Foes of the Plastic Epoch

Shoot, I'm splitting this post up into three parts, 'cause this is getting long.

A silly little love-rant about proteins.

Some protein monsters, if proteins could be really big. I'm talking, like, Yotta-Daltons. These guys are something you'd find on the deepest level of the dungeon - The Oldest Epoch. They are without inhibition and are merciless. They aren't even really "alive".

From Lydia Kang's blog. Also, a good summary of prions.

Prion Golem

There is absolutely no evolutionary reason Prion Golems should take a humanoid form. Much less half of one. Which half varies. Their touch turns mammals inside-out.

AC As Chain  HP 32  HD 6

1d8 + Assimilating Touch

Construct Immunities - Technically not "alive".
Mammal Homing - Prion Golems ignore non-mammalian targets.

Inverting Touch - On hit, Save vs. Poison. Failure causes the target to turn inside-out over 2d8 Rounds as every single protein in the target's body starts to fold out of shape. See Inversion Syndrome.
Inversion Syndrome - Target turned inside-out, is still alive during and after this process, though they'll wish they weren't. Minimum survival organs are unaffected, though they'll be on the outside now. Target may continue to live for hours in this horrid state. More if creative measures are taken to accompany the new form. Speed reduces to zero, effectively paralyzed. Gain Inverting Touch, though they may not move or attack.
Resistances - Prion Golems take full damage from only heat and acid.

Organic Dissolution - Contact ignores and destroys organic-based armor, such as Leather or Chitin.

Prions based upon a flesh-like frame, probably the last thing to touch them. Prion Golems shamble about like sticky deflated beach balls caught in a gust. Nobody has any idea where they came from, or what madness led to their creation. They were made, though. That is known.


Appearances of the Prion Golem. Half of a Human, But...

1. From the waist down. Legs filled with angry bees.
2. The back half. No front. No face. Like a bi-vivisected person, organs still beating.
3. Just the skeleton, without skull. Folded about seven times in half.
4. Just the viscera, coils of intestine used like little legs.
5. Just the skin, flapping about.
6. Lymphatic system floating mid air.
7. Heart, Vessels, Veins, Eyes.
8. A pair of arms dragging behind still-breathing lungs.
9. A brain, four times the normal size, dangling a collection of nerves.
10. Bucket of hair soup.

"Arch", by David Herberling

Phage-Key Folder

They form as elephant-sized pain-twisted hands, an arch, or sometimes a dome, pixelated and penumbra-black with rainbow currents running through the darkness. There is an old, binding malice in their construction - a hatred that transcends the errant forms of this reality.

They fold things into keys. Anything can become a key.

People especially. They make the best ones.

Every key has only one use. The lock or door doesn't matter - only the type of key. Each key, when used in any lock, will open a portal to a very particular place. Keys made from people will never take you to the exact same place, except possibly those made from identical twins. The door remains open so long as it is held open by a person. If the door goes unobserved, it will close, no matter the precautions taken.

Those that touch a Phage-Key Folder must Save vs. Paralyzation or die, as it crushes the victim in a rapid oragami dervish.

Materials for the Phage-Key Folder.

Material on left column. How the key looks/feels in the middle. Where it leads on the right. If more than one property applies, use the bottom-most entry.

Something…	Properties of Key…	Opens Door To…
Magical	Rings like tuning fork.	The place where none feel hunger.
Gold or Silver	Elaborate, vain.	Horrible vacuous black void.
Immortal	An image of the key remains in your vision whenever your eyes are closed.	Door nearest the next-oldest Immortal.
Gemmed	Dark and heavy.	The Sun.
Elemental	Plain, simple.	Leads to elemental plane of respective material. (i.e. Plane of Ooze)
Creative, Artistic, Genius	Luminescent.	Where gods and kings went to drink the Mead of Poetry, fermented from the bard’s blood.
Wizened with Age	Key has impossibly high number of facets.	The oldest library or receptacle of knowledge that exists.
Rare, Exotic	Secret compartment on key contains message of warning.	A far place, where none speak languages you know.
Close to Death	It whispers lies only the holder can hear.	Hell’s exit/entrance.
Jaded, Cynical	Numbs the hand.	Where none have emotions.
Cherished, Precious	Feels good in the hand.	Residence of world’s greatest crafter.
Tortured	Groans when turned in lock.	The place of society’s greatest, yet most subtle evil.
Musical	Playable instrument.	The quietest place.
Stolen From Your Enemy	Vibrates with excitement.	Enemy’s Home
Innocent	Key gently weeps silver tears.	Somewhere safe.
Deadly	Contains hidden poison needle trap.	Where everything is state-of-nature and only giants walk the land
Soulless	Feels hollow.	Where unfortunate souls go to linger.
Drugged	Gives mild hallucinogenic aroma.	The eternal fever dream of the sleeping god.
Cruel	Feels like holding dry ice.	The coldest spot on the planet.
In Love	Pulses like a heart.	The Suicide Room
Erotic	Sharp, nail-shaped.	Somewhere where someone will love you.
Noble	Clean, baroque, like a marble sculpture.	The court where all are granted positions and powers according to their ordained rank.
Royal	Heavy, dense, imprints permanent black soot on anything it touches.	Where royalty and emperors are made.
Divine	A radiance of the first disparity. Contains characteristics of divinity.	The Divine Plane / Heaven / Azathoth / etc.
Traitorous	Key twitches sporadically.	The House of the traitor.

A Phage-Key Folder can be found behind the gates of the Silver Palace, at the Door of Ten-Thousand Locks. It arises from the ground as a pair of pained hands, forming an ungraceful bloodied arch. The Queen of the Silver Palace would throw all kinds of people into it: servants, courtiers, traitors, and innocents alike. She had more keys than could be reasonably counted. With her Twelve Key-Bearers and her limitless intrigue she ruled the Underworld with one fist of iron and the other silver. No plotter was ever safe, no traitor's family un-purged, no innocent spared.